"Hi, my name is [insert name], and I'm a hatchback owner."

Everyone knows the Toyota Matrix. Yes, the name is a little dated ("The Matrix" movie came out almost a decade ago . . . I'm getting old), but it has some endearing qualities, like a quick 4-cylinder, and AWD option.

[BTW – Johnny swept Daniel-san's leg in "The Karate Kid" almost 25 years ago; now I feel old.]

But when you mention the Matrix to people, you'll usually get the response of "I don't like hatchbacks." That's fine; they're not for everyone, I guess. But those same people will see a crossover and say "I like to live on the edge-ah" or "Boy, those new Nissan Rogues are nice."


"Nice Hatchback!"
"d00d, stfu, my Rogue would PWN a hatchback!"
"Huh?!"

You see, they've fallen into the trap! The marketers (you know, the ad wizards getting pleasured in their M3's for stealing my food toy idea? You know who you are!!) realize that a stale, old vehicle design may still work if you give it a fresh, hip new name -- like Crossover!

A Crossover is supposed to be hybr-- oh, my bad, that cool and hip buzzword is already taken. It's supposed to be, uhm, an homogenization of car and SUV, taking the good qualities of the car like stability and fuel economy, and the good qualities like ride and AWD that are found in an SUV.

Well, I don't mean to piss on your parade, but isn't that what the station wagon was 50 years ago? And the hatchbacks that became immensely popular in 70's, how are they not the same?

Don't get me wrong, there are some crossovers that really are a good mix, like theToyota Highlander, or the Honda Pilot, or the Jeep Compass, none of which is a SUV, but could probably at least pull their way through of wet grass.

But there are some cars that are more hatchback than some hatchbacks! Take the Nissan Murano, or better yet, the Nissan Rogue: creepy styling, low ground clearance, no 4WD (or even AWD in some instances).

What the hell business does this thing have going through anything but a pothole?? Give me a break. But I'm sure it picks up a damned-good pile of groceries, though.

I like hatchbacks. The Scion xD is awesome, the Matrix, the WRX wagon, the Nissan Versa. They're just not anything like a truck.


Yoho approves of this car.

Don't be ashamed you drive a hatchback, and don't let the advertizers get away with destroying a piece of automotive history! You get those groceries in style and with pride!!

I've been ROBBED!!

I woke up this morning to find that I had been robbed! Or, more accurately burglarized. No, not my house, but my freakin' blog!


I was bloglarized!


On November 15, 2007, I wrote a blog called "Your food is not a Toy." It was so well-received by my readers that some that my idea was stolen to make a commercial:




Are you kidding me!? This was my idea! Well, at least the part about food being a toy (not the part where your food's looks like someone ate garbage and puked it onto a bun; Wendy's can take credit for that).

Right now, some ad wizard is getting pleasured in his BMW by some high-priced prostitute for his "creativity."

I applaud the kind of effort these guys put into stealing others' ideas.

A trip to the picture show, HelloYoho style

[Editor's note: I was asked to discuss the potential of making a worthwhile live-action movie to compete with the trite, boring, mind-numbing comicbook movies that we see in today's vomitoria we call "movie theatres." But, in stead, I wish to dissert my revulsion to the whole cinema-visiting experience. Maybe I will discuss the Herculoids at the end, if I still feel like writing.]

So, when was the last time you went to the movies? Did you have a good time? Well, I sure did, and I'll tell you why in my trip to the cinema!!

1. The Ticket
Yes! My favorite part: paying for the ticket. How much will it be? Seven dollars? Eight dollars? Nine-fifty? Awesome. I'm sure it will be money well spent. Oh wait, gotta get TWO tickets; you don't want to be that Poindexter to goes to the movie by yourself. You loser.

2. The Snacks
The snacks are good. Never have I spent $17 so wisely! You get 64 ounces of flat, diluted, warm softdrink in a dirty cup [oh, you didn't know theatres re-use the cups? I just hope they don't reuse the straws! Why aren't they individually wrapped, anyway?], and a baggie full of popcorn kernels. Oh yeah, and a $3 box of Snow Caps [hey, didn't I just see them at the drug store for fifty cents?!]. And why the hell does every snack have to make noise?! It either rattles, crackles, crunches. Oh well, small price to pay to watch a great movie, right? Time to sit down.

3. The Seat
Uh oh, you didn't get to the movie 3 hours in advance, so now you have the choice of either sitting in the front and watching the movie planetarium-style, or sitting by the woman whose perfume makes Jean Nate afterbath Splash smell like an invigorating phermone. I mean, why put on so much perfume you smell like a bordello commode?! WHY?!

And 10 minutes into sitting in the seat, your ass goes numb to the point where you can't move your feet. No, wait, I probably could move my feet if the floor weren't caked with 6 months of refreshing Coca-Cola, sourpatch kids, twizzler residue, and God knows what the hell else. No wonder it's kept so damned dark

4. Dim the Lights
Great! the lights have dimmed, it's time to watch the mov-- My bad; I didn't realize I had to watch a Coca Cola commercial, a Levi's commercial, and 3 tampon commercials. I didn't realize I needed to buy tampons, but I've now seen the error of my ways! Oh well, with as long as the 14 movie trailers were, at least I don't have to waste my time or money going to see them when they come out 14 months from now.

5. The Picture and Sound
We Americans all know that BIGGER is better. So, this 15' screen should be the best! Except that there always seems to be a kinky hair in the corner of the projector that dances around. It's okay, though, because that animated pube might actually keep you entertained until the boredom ends.

Also, through the marvels of modern technology, the sound need not synchronize with the picture anymore! What, you missed the memo? You square. Just watch your movie and be quiet, like the guy beside you . . . .

6. The Patrons
The greatest part of the movie is getting out with the public. Enjoying being around people, especially this guy whose phone won't stop ringing. Or, just as annoying, the 11-year-old girl whose blackberry backlight will blind you if you stare at it too long.

[9:13, Personal note: When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the Blackberry backlight. So once when I was six, I did. The doctors didn't know if my eyes would ever heal. I was terrified, alone in that darkness. Slowly daylight crept in through the bandages, and I could see, but something else had changed inside of me. That day I had my first headache.]

I guess you could always go tell the manager. I mean, you spent the $9.50 to watch the movie, right? You might as well police the patrons as well. Or you can show how grown-up you are and try to reason with hormone-enraged pre-pubescent individual [Hey, wait, isn't this movie rated "R"? What the hell?]. As stated previously, at least you'll be entertained, right?

7 The Movie
Yes! the movie, the reason you came. The Coup de Grace! You've endured so much, it's now time to sit back, relax, and watch the movie. Your goal is to laugh whenever the other people laugh, and try to stay awake! If you get lost, don't worry; the background music will tell you what to feel, be it happy, sad or scared. It's easy!

So there you go, my trip to the movie. If you've never been and don't know what you're missing, here is an idea.

So get out there, and treat yourself. You deserve it!

Your food is not a TOY!!

I remember when a pizza was like $5.99, and it came with pepperoni and was round.

Nowadays, if you're not dipping, popping, tearing, folding, or otherwise fingerbanging your "zah" in some manner, then you can't enjoy it!

And whatever happened to just eating a triangular piece of pizza with cheese and pepperoni? Now you got cheese in this hole, cheese in that hole, cheese in the crust, cheese in the middle. It's no wonder our entire country isn't constipated.

Pizza has become the most overpriced and bland garbage you can buy in the fast-food arena. In order to stay a viable alternative to eating elsewhere, the pizza joints have had to turn eating into a game to keep your attention away from how terrible it actually tastes.

Think about it next time you're ordering a pie, and consider gnawing on the cardboard box as a tasty, refreshing alternative to manually stimulating your dinner.

Indian Rock . . .the wave of the FUTURE!

I'm not kidding when I call Indian rock the wave of the future. With over 1 billion people, this stuff is probably more popular than all top-40 music combined across first-world countries.

Funny, the ad wizards would kill to have an audience one-hundredth that size.

Yes, it's funny (it's HILARIOUS), but watch only the first minute of this video and tell me that you aren't singing it the rest of the day: