"Hi, my name is [insert name], and I'm a hatchback owner."

Everyone knows the Toyota Matrix. Yes, the name is a little dated ("The Matrix" movie came out almost a decade ago . . . I'm getting old), but it has some endearing qualities, like a quick 4-cylinder, and AWD option.

[BTW – Johnny swept Daniel-san's leg in "The Karate Kid" almost 25 years ago; now I feel old.]

But when you mention the Matrix to people, you'll usually get the response of "I don't like hatchbacks." That's fine; they're not for everyone, I guess. But those same people will see a crossover and say "I like to live on the edge-ah" or "Boy, those new Nissan Rogues are nice."


"Nice Hatchback!"
"d00d, stfu, my Rogue would PWN a hatchback!"
"Huh?!"

You see, they've fallen into the trap! The marketers (you know, the ad wizards getting pleasured in their M3's for stealing my food toy idea? You know who you are!!) realize that a stale, old vehicle design may still work if you give it a fresh, hip new name -- like Crossover!

A Crossover is supposed to be hybr-- oh, my bad, that cool and hip buzzword is already taken. It's supposed to be, uhm, an homogenization of car and SUV, taking the good qualities of the car like stability and fuel economy, and the good qualities like ride and AWD that are found in an SUV.

Well, I don't mean to piss on your parade, but isn't that what the station wagon was 50 years ago? And the hatchbacks that became immensely popular in 70's, how are they not the same?

Don't get me wrong, there are some crossovers that really are a good mix, like theToyota Highlander, or the Honda Pilot, or the Jeep Compass, none of which is a SUV, but could probably at least pull their way through of wet grass.

But there are some cars that are more hatchback than some hatchbacks! Take the Nissan Murano, or better yet, the Nissan Rogue: creepy styling, low ground clearance, no 4WD (or even AWD in some instances).

What the hell business does this thing have going through anything but a pothole?? Give me a break. But I'm sure it picks up a damned-good pile of groceries, though.

I like hatchbacks. The Scion xD is awesome, the Matrix, the WRX wagon, the Nissan Versa. They're just not anything like a truck.


Yoho approves of this car.

Don't be ashamed you drive a hatchback, and don't let the advertizers get away with destroying a piece of automotive history! You get those groceries in style and with pride!!