A trip to the picture show, HelloYoho style

[Editor's note: I was asked to discuss the potential of making a worthwhile live-action movie to compete with the trite, boring, mind-numbing comicbook movies that we see in today's vomitoria we call "movie theatres." But, in stead, I wish to dissert my revulsion to the whole cinema-visiting experience. Maybe I will discuss the Herculoids at the end, if I still feel like writing.]

So, when was the last time you went to the movies? Did you have a good time? Well, I sure did, and I'll tell you why in my trip to the cinema!!

1. The Ticket
Yes! My favorite part: paying for the ticket. How much will it be? Seven dollars? Eight dollars? Nine-fifty? Awesome. I'm sure it will be money well spent. Oh wait, gotta get TWO tickets; you don't want to be that Poindexter to goes to the movie by yourself. You loser.

2. The Snacks
The snacks are good. Never have I spent $17 so wisely! You get 64 ounces of flat, diluted, warm softdrink in a dirty cup [oh, you didn't know theatres re-use the cups? I just hope they don't reuse the straws! Why aren't they individually wrapped, anyway?], and a baggie full of popcorn kernels. Oh yeah, and a $3 box of Snow Caps [hey, didn't I just see them at the drug store for fifty cents?!]. And why the hell does every snack have to make noise?! It either rattles, crackles, crunches. Oh well, small price to pay to watch a great movie, right? Time to sit down.

3. The Seat
Uh oh, you didn't get to the movie 3 hours in advance, so now you have the choice of either sitting in the front and watching the movie planetarium-style, or sitting by the woman whose perfume makes Jean Nate afterbath Splash smell like an invigorating phermone. I mean, why put on so much perfume you smell like a bordello commode?! WHY?!

And 10 minutes into sitting in the seat, your ass goes numb to the point where you can't move your feet. No, wait, I probably could move my feet if the floor weren't caked with 6 months of refreshing Coca-Cola, sourpatch kids, twizzler residue, and God knows what the hell else. No wonder it's kept so damned dark

4. Dim the Lights
Great! the lights have dimmed, it's time to watch the mov-- My bad; I didn't realize I had to watch a Coca Cola commercial, a Levi's commercial, and 3 tampon commercials. I didn't realize I needed to buy tampons, but I've now seen the error of my ways! Oh well, with as long as the 14 movie trailers were, at least I don't have to waste my time or money going to see them when they come out 14 months from now.

5. The Picture and Sound
We Americans all know that BIGGER is better. So, this 15' screen should be the best! Except that there always seems to be a kinky hair in the corner of the projector that dances around. It's okay, though, because that animated pube might actually keep you entertained until the boredom ends.

Also, through the marvels of modern technology, the sound need not synchronize with the picture anymore! What, you missed the memo? You square. Just watch your movie and be quiet, like the guy beside you . . . .

6. The Patrons
The greatest part of the movie is getting out with the public. Enjoying being around people, especially this guy whose phone won't stop ringing. Or, just as annoying, the 11-year-old girl whose blackberry backlight will blind you if you stare at it too long.

[9:13, Personal note: When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the Blackberry backlight. So once when I was six, I did. The doctors didn't know if my eyes would ever heal. I was terrified, alone in that darkness. Slowly daylight crept in through the bandages, and I could see, but something else had changed inside of me. That day I had my first headache.]

I guess you could always go tell the manager. I mean, you spent the $9.50 to watch the movie, right? You might as well police the patrons as well. Or you can show how grown-up you are and try to reason with hormone-enraged pre-pubescent individual [Hey, wait, isn't this movie rated "R"? What the hell?]. As stated previously, at least you'll be entertained, right?

7 The Movie
Yes! the movie, the reason you came. The Coup de Grace! You've endured so much, it's now time to sit back, relax, and watch the movie. Your goal is to laugh whenever the other people laugh, and try to stay awake! If you get lost, don't worry; the background music will tell you what to feel, be it happy, sad or scared. It's easy!

So there you go, my trip to the movie. If you've never been and don't know what you're missing, here is an idea.

So get out there, and treat yourself. You deserve it!