"Hi, my name is [insert name], and I'm a hatchback owner."

Everyone knows the Toyota Matrix. Yes, the name is a little dated ("The Matrix" movie came out almost a decade ago . . . I'm getting old), but it has some endearing qualities, like a quick 4-cylinder, and AWD option.

[BTW – Johnny swept Daniel-san's leg in "The Karate Kid" almost 25 years ago; now I feel old.]

But when you mention the Matrix to people, you'll usually get the response of "I don't like hatchbacks." That's fine; they're not for everyone, I guess. But those same people will see a crossover and say "I like to live on the edge-ah" or "Boy, those new Nissan Rogues are nice."


"Nice Hatchback!"
"d00d, stfu, my Rogue would PWN a hatchback!"
"Huh?!"

You see, they've fallen into the trap! The marketers (you know, the ad wizards getting pleasured in their M3's for stealing my food toy idea? You know who you are!!) realize that a stale, old vehicle design may still work if you give it a fresh, hip new name -- like Crossover!

A Crossover is supposed to be hybr-- oh, my bad, that cool and hip buzzword is already taken. It's supposed to be, uhm, an homogenization of car and SUV, taking the good qualities of the car like stability and fuel economy, and the good qualities like ride and AWD that are found in an SUV.

Well, I don't mean to piss on your parade, but isn't that what the station wagon was 50 years ago? And the hatchbacks that became immensely popular in 70's, how are they not the same?

Don't get me wrong, there are some crossovers that really are a good mix, like theToyota Highlander, or the Honda Pilot, or the Jeep Compass, none of which is a SUV, but could probably at least pull their way through of wet grass.

But there are some cars that are more hatchback than some hatchbacks! Take the Nissan Murano, or better yet, the Nissan Rogue: creepy styling, low ground clearance, no 4WD (or even AWD in some instances).

What the hell business does this thing have going through anything but a pothole?? Give me a break. But I'm sure it picks up a damned-good pile of groceries, though.

I like hatchbacks. The Scion xD is awesome, the Matrix, the WRX wagon, the Nissan Versa. They're just not anything like a truck.


Yoho approves of this car.

Don't be ashamed you drive a hatchback, and don't let the advertizers get away with destroying a piece of automotive history! You get those groceries in style and with pride!!

I've been ROBBED!!

I woke up this morning to find that I had been robbed! Or, more accurately burglarized. No, not my house, but my freakin' blog!


I was bloglarized!


On November 15, 2007, I wrote a blog called "Your food is not a Toy." It was so well-received by my readers that some that my idea was stolen to make a commercial:




Are you kidding me!? This was my idea! Well, at least the part about food being a toy (not the part where your food's looks like someone ate garbage and puked it onto a bun; Wendy's can take credit for that).

Right now, some ad wizard is getting pleasured in his BMW by some high-priced prostitute for his "creativity."

I applaud the kind of effort these guys put into stealing others' ideas.

Your food is not a TOY!!

I remember when a pizza was like $5.99, and it came with pepperoni and was round.

Nowadays, if you're not dipping, popping, tearing, folding, or otherwise fingerbanging your "zah" in some manner, then you can't enjoy it!

And whatever happened to just eating a triangular piece of pizza with cheese and pepperoni? Now you got cheese in this hole, cheese in that hole, cheese in the crust, cheese in the middle. It's no wonder our entire country isn't constipated.

Pizza has become the most overpriced and bland garbage you can buy in the fast-food arena. In order to stay a viable alternative to eating elsewhere, the pizza joints have had to turn eating into a game to keep your attention away from how terrible it actually tastes.

Think about it next time you're ordering a pie, and consider gnawing on the cardboard box as a tasty, refreshing alternative to manually stimulating your dinner.

Indian Rock . . .the wave of the FUTURE!

I'm not kidding when I call Indian rock the wave of the future. With over 1 billion people, this stuff is probably more popular than all top-40 music combined across first-world countries.

Funny, the ad wizards would kill to have an audience one-hundredth that size.

Yes, it's funny (it's HILARIOUS), but watch only the first minute of this video and tell me that you aren't singing it the rest of the day: