I'm dreaming of a . . . Silent Night.

Like many of you, Christmas has to be my favorite day of the year. It is not because of the good will towards men. It has nothing to do with getting gifts or consuming large amounts of food and alcohol. Nor does it have to do with the days off of work.

To me, Christmas day, much like the death-row inmate on the day of his execution, might be a tortuous ordeal in itself, but it also signifies the end of an arduous journey -- a journey of evading and avoiding the same shitty, trite, mind-numbingly stupid songs that I have heard for the past 30 years.

No matter how much I try to avoid it I know that, just like every other year, I am to be subjected to Christmas songs for at least 55 days (starting November 1^st), followed by two six-hours hazings of Christmas music each on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. This year was a special treat, because my brother brought forth the cornucopia of holiday drivel that is played on XM satellite radio. So not only did I get to hear the "original" renditions of the songs, but also variations by everyone from Luther Vandrose to Van Halen, from Amy freakin' Grant to Annie Lennox. From metal, to rap, to darkwave, to emo, to country, to boy-band bullshit, everyone's in on the action. And it's the same damned songs over and over again. I found myself once again sitting in unfathomable disbelief that the people around me can listen to the same damned songs over and over again every day, all day, for almost two months, and enjoy themselves!

And it's not just variations on a theme. The Darkwave/Ambient label Projekt (one of my favorite labels), whores itself in two ways. First, it sells CD's with gloom-and-doom variations of typical Christmas songs, but it also sells holiday tunes that are more satirical (you know, for the "too cool for Christmas" types out there).

But regardless of what the music sounds like, the story is always the same: Over the years artists have realized that if they make even the most idiotic of Christmas songs or variations, it will be played and they will get a royalty check at the end of December. And that is the reason artists like Kiss, and Pearl Jam, and Metallica have jumped on the Christmas bandwagon (in addition to probably already being sell-outs in their own rite).

So tonight when Bruce Springsteen tells you for the five-thousandth time that Santa Claus is coming to town, if you listen real close, you might hear the jingle of coins filling the Boss's pockets, and here him exlcaim ere he drives out of sight:

"Merry Christmas, SUCKERS! See you next November 1st!"